When thanking someone, tell the person:
- What they did
- What good feeling you feel
- What need of yours was fulfilled
Here’s an example:
A generic “Thank you” can be transformed into “Thank you so much for noticing how busy I was this morning and bringing me that cup of coffee. I was really surprised and touched by that support and understanding.”
Now imagine that you are the person receiving the more targeted appreciation. How would you feel? Which would you rather receive? Often a smile or a simple “thank you” will get the job done, but if you really want an appreciation to land, include these three items.
Be specific – the more precise you can be about what they did really enhances a compliment. It’s important to bring yourself into the appreciation. How did it affect you positively? Don’t just make a judgment call about a person without bringing in what happened for you. Saying that they’re “great” leaves room for them to think, “am I not great the rest of the time?” or “if they only knew, I’m not really that great.”
Don’t worry if you don’t quite get the words right. The intent is greater than the form. Return to “what’s my intent? Why am I showing appreciation?” Using that intent trumps the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to express it.
One word of caution: We’re talking about appreciation, not manipulation. The most effective compliments come from a desire to continue the spirit of giving that the person’s actions came from – to give back to them and to keep the giving in motion, not to make people more productive or like you.
So many of us seem to have more to do in a day than we can get done and the demands on us at work and in our personal lives are great. Thanking someone in a way that they can really take in can go a long way towards stronger connections and better working relationships and greater productivity. The more you work from the joy of giving to each other and your customer, the more vital your energy will be to tackle the difficult and often lonely work in this world. We’re all in this together and as Gandhi says, “you must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
Based on the work of Marshall B. Rosenberg and The Center for Nonviolent Communication, www.cnvc.org
For further exploration, see pgs. 184-192, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg