True Communication uses a four-part communication model based on the work of Marshall B. Rosenberg and The Center for Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org). We’ll look at each of the four parts – observation, feeling, need, and request – one at a time, using a simple communication conflict such as taking out the garbage as an example.

“Just the facts, ma’am.” – Joe Friday on Dragnet
First, state what happened without any color commentary or evaluation added. In this step, you’re trying to talk about the issue without using any language that will put the other person on their guard or set them off emotionally.
For example, “When you kept yelling at me to take out the garbage” may sound like an observation, but it’s emotionally ‘hot’ enough to put someone on guard and close down an opportunity for communicating. “When you asked me three times to take out the garbage this morning” is more accurate and holds more possibility for the rest of your dialogue to continue in a positive direction.

What did you feel? The key word of that sentence is you. Saying “I felt put down” or “I felt belittled” isn’t really accurately describing how you’re feeling – no one can give you the feeling you’re going to feel, you choose it yourself. “I felt embarrassed” or “I felt annoyed” or “I felt upset” are examples of you owning whatever feeling you’re experiencing as coming from you, not some cruel or benevolent external provider of feelings.
Acknowledging and noticing the feelings that are taking place may be a relatively new experience, especially in the workplace. Remember that feelings are just a simple result of an action –  someone’s needs are either being met or not. Actually taking a moment to name what you’re feeling can be a wonderfully revelatory experience. It’s useful to expand your ‘feelings’ vocabulary. When you’re watching TV or reading a book, you can practice by tracking what need each character is experiencing, what strategy they’re using to get that need met, and what they’re feeling based on whether their need was met or not. 

Needs are universal – this is well documented by psychologists (Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is one example). We all have needs, from those as basic as food and shelter, to more complex needs for respect or making a  contribution. Each day, these needs we have either are met or go unfulfilled.

If you’re feeling badly, ask yourself what need of yours isn’t being met. If you’re feeling great, what need is being met? If the word ‘need’ doesn’t work for you, you can call them ‘wants, values, desires’ instead.

For example, you can probably guess that saying “I need you to shut up and leave me alone” isn’t really a true expression of a need even though the word ‘need’ is in there. Saying, “I value trust” or “responsibility is important to me” are statements that more accurately showcase your needs. Taking a moment to identify your need can be as liberating as identifying your feelings, mentioned above.

Emotionally Intelligent Communication
By engaging the higher functions of your brain you have more of a chance of not getting unconsciously caught in an angry, knee-jerk reaction. The ‘ten second pause’ to identify your feelings and needs can help you bypass the ‘fight or flight’ response of the amygdala. This reasoning process helps you to refrain from biting the emotional hook of a situation, keeps you calm and rational, and lays the groundwork for a mutually beneficial conversation to take place.

After you’ve expressed your feeling and need, the next step is to follow up with a request. Make it a clear request. Use positive action language that addresses ‘right now’ rather than some vague future. By keeping your request small, clear and doable with the capacity to be fulfilled right now, you have the best chance of the other person fulfilling it. Think of them as ‘request-ettes’ or ‘mini-requests’. Home run requests are less likely to actually happen than just a simple base hit request. Also, the key word is ‘request’ and not ‘demand’.

Let’s look at some request examples and take a guess as to the likelihood of having the request fulfilled.

“Can you tell me two things you appreciate that I’ve done today?”

This request may work as long as you also perhaps explain that if you hear about something you did ‘right’ then you can feel more excited about contributing by taking out the garbage.

“Can you stop yelling at me all the time?”

As you may have guessed, this request is pretty much dead in the water. It’s laden with judgment (yelling at me), it has a negative request (stop doing something) and there’s no specific time reference, just some nebulous semi-eternal ‘all the time’. Also, it sounds like a demand masked as a request. If you make this request, be prepared for nothing good to come from it.

“Can you give me a deadline time for taking the garbage out today?”

This also may work – it mentions a specific time period and can be done in the present moment. It may help for you to explain that if you were given a deadline you would have more flexibility to work taking out the garbage into your schedule between now and then and would be more likely to do it.

“I’m expecting an important call. Would you be willing to answer the phone while I take out the garbage right now?”

This request has a good chance of being fulfilled.

“Can you take out the garbage from now on instead of me?”

Uh-uh.

Let’s put examples together now. As you read them, ask yourself, “If I heard both statements, which would I react to more positively?”

Unconscious communication = “When you kept yelling at me to take out the garbage, I felt put down. I need you to shut up and leave me alone. Can you stop yelling at me all the time?”

True communication = “When you told me three times to take out the garbage this morning, I felt embarrassed because responsibility is important to me. I’m expecting an important call. Would you be willing to answer the phone while I take out the garbage right now?”

True Communication is one of the most efficient and effective methods for getting your needs met while making a connection with the other person. This communication model can provide particularly encouraging results when seeking to defuse conflict and keep cool in important situations, such as negotiations, sales calls, or day-to-day interactions with co-workers or loved ones.

True Communication lets you be honest in a way that enriches both you and the person you’re communicating with. It’s not about being ‘nice’. We’re just acknowledging feelings and needs and in a clear, rational way finding the most efficient path to getting both of our needs met. And as Marshall Rosenberg has said, it’s an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are seeking.

Further Reading: Nonviolent Communication by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, PuddleDancer Press